I waded through Cal Water’s latest application for a general water rate increase in the beleaguered outpost of Lucerne.

This time they plan to ding us an extra $818,000 over the next three years. And apparently, it’s our fault because we haven’t been using enough water again! Nothing to do, I suppose, with all the free water-saving devices they were handing out to residents a couple of years ago.

No, they say, you don’t understand, “most costs of operating the water system are fixed, regardless of the level of usage.”

Huh? Doesn’t compute to me.

If people are using less water, don’t the pumps have to run less often? Don’t they save on all those nasty chemicals they treat the water with? Don’t the filters clog less often and need less maintenance? Isn’t the infrastructure under less strain and therefore needs fewer repairs? Couldn’t they send a few people home if there’s not as much demand? Turn off some lights, maybe? Couldn’t we see fewer employees driving around all day in those giant trucks. Really? Costs are fixed?

But wait, they say, we’ll help you out a bit, ease your pain, and this is how it would work.

Customers get to choose between two plans. Cal Water calls them the no phase-in plan and the phase-in plan. I prefer to think of them as the getting screwed (no phase-in) plan and the getting really screwed (phase-in) plan.

Under the getting screwed plan (no phase-in)  rates jump an average of $40 a month (up 57%) in January 2014. In January 2015 they go up another $3 a month on average (2.2%) and in January 2016 they go down (believe it or not!) a generous one dollar a month. That’s a total raise of about $42 a month over three years (I’m going with Cal Water’s “typical customer” scenario, which everyone knows is bogus, but let’s move on).

Bad enough, right?

But here’s what happens if the phase-in (getting really screwed) plan – the plan Cal Water humbly “recommends” – is approved by the California Public Utilities Commission.

In January 2014 rates go up “only” $22 a month, about $18 a month less than the raise proposed under the no phase-in (getting screwed) plan. Lessens the impact, says Cal Water.

Right? Wrong!

Because here’s what happens next – rates go up another $26 a month in January 2015 and then another $17 a month in 2016 for a total raise of about $58 over three years.

And when it’s all paid, Cal Water walks away with an extra $451,450 in interest on top of the already unconscionable $818,00 they started out grasping for!

No wonder they’re so eager to help ease our pain.

My question is, if they think we can’t afford to pay an extra $18 a month next year to implement the no phase-in (getting screwed) plan how on earth do they think we’ll be able to afford the extra half million in interest payments on top of the increased water rates? Where are the bean counters at Cal Water finding inspiration for this egregious, immoral greed?

Sounds like the worst excesses of the used car sales business and the payday loan shark industry if you ask me.

John Mulrooney lives in Lucerne, Calif.