I am going to ignore the large number of non-English speakers in our schools, their inadequate funding, the bizarre districting, the outdated school buildings, yada yada yada, and blame our schools' academic failings on the lack of fish on the cafeteria menu. As everyone knows, (don't you?) fish is brain food that nurtures keen thought and quick thinking. It is the lack of fish food for lunch, breakfast and snack that is the root of our schools' academic shortcomings. It says so in the Nutritionists Bible.

It also says in there that “the Board of Education must smite those who deny the benefits of fish fillets to the students.” Accordingly, we must smack every teacher and administrator with a board until they repent of the fishless menus. Only when they see the light and serve fish fillets, fish-burgers, fish tacos, and fish-shakes will our students learn as they should.

When our educators achieve true fishiness, perfection will be achieved according the Nutritionists Bible, a large pink cloud will coalesce overhead, and we will arise to academic perfection.

Until then, heed only me. I am the Grand Panjandrum of the Piscine, and must be obeyed.

Decreed by George J. Dorner of Lucerne.

P.S. My doctor says it may take a little while for my new meds to kick in. Please bear with me until then, especially if I sound like a certain local dogmatist.

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