Holidays can be a difficult time for many who have experienced the death of a loved one.

“If only I can get through the holidays” is often a refrain during this season. In the roller coaster of grief, holidays are, for many people, a low point.

There are many reasons why the holidays can be so difficult.

The holidays are often a time to pause, reflect on all the holiday experiences we’ve had, both good and bad. We remember all the people who have been part of our lives.

We are reminded of that person’s part in our lives. Holidays are full of memories and expectations often intensifying our loss, and we feel the absence of our loved one even more.

Holidays are not only times for past memories, but for fantasies of the present and future as well.

As we shop we may see things that would be perfect gifts for the person who died. We envision how that person would be so delighted when the gift is opened.

Often holidays are stressful times in themselves. There are so many things to do, so much to accomplish, and expectations of how the holiday “should be.” Everyone seems so happy and cheerful. It’s easy to feel isolated, alone and different.

Recognizing that the holidays can be painful often helps ease the sense of isolation. We can acknowledge that this is a normal reaction to grief.

We can make decisions about the best ways to cope, about how, where and with whom we will spend the holidays. Honestly talking over our feelings and plans with family and friends may help us in making decisions.

The key is to be gentle with ourselves. We need to trust and follow our instincts about what we must do, or should do. We need to hope that each year will be easier, and believe that someday the pain will end.

You might tell yourself, “I can and will reach out for support during the holidays. I will become filled with hope and believe that I can and will survive this loss.” Setting your intent to heal is not only a way of surviving your loss; it is a way of actively guiding your loss.

Ideas and activities for surviving the holidays

Be kind to yourself and take care. Grief is a time when it is crucial to take good care of you. Nothing will make a bigger difference than honoring your needs and feelings.

Only do as much as you can comfortably manage, even for a special day. Take care of yourself physically, emotionally, cognitively and spiritually.

Physically, when people are in grief, their bodies often take on some of the stress of the experience. This stress can lead to common bodily symptoms such as trouble sleeping, low energy, muscle aches and pains, headaches, digestive problems, tightness in the throat or chest. It is always a good idea to consult with your physician when in question.

While mourning, make use of the simple things such as exercise, good nutrition, and adequate sleep to help alleviate these symptoms.

Emotionally you may experience a wide range of emotions: disorganization, confusion, anxiety, sadness, fear, guilt and relief are just a few of the emotions you might feel as a part of your grief journey. No emotion is right or wrong, and all are deserving of attention and respect. Find listeners who will accept your feelings without condition.

Cognitively, grief affects our ability to think, absorb information and make decisions and reason logically. Mourners often struggle with short term memory problems and have trouble making decisions. They also may seem confused and unable to pay attention. Cognitive difficulties such as these are normal and temporary. As time passes and as the mourner’s grief needs are met, cognitive deficits will slowly reverse.

Mourning is a spiritual journey of the heart and soul. If you have faith or spirituality, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. Attend church or your place of worship, reading religious or spiritual texts, and praying or meditating or spending time alone in nature are a few ways of expressing your faith.

From the words of Dr. Alan Wolfelt from his book, “Healing Your Holiday Grief, 100 practical ideas for blending mourning and celebrating during the holiday season,” ”This holiday season may be difficult for you. As you now know, one of the basic truths of grief is that it does – it must – involve pain and sadness. But there will be better tomorrows. Over time, periods of grieving tend to soften in intensity and duration. Next holiday season, you will likely experience less sadness and more joy. While they will forevermore remain somewhat bittersweet for you, the holidays can once again become that ‘most wonderful time of the year.’ Believe in a better next year. Believe in your capacity to heal and grow through grief. Believe in the enduring holiday spirit of giving and love.”

Linda Laing, MFP, ATR is director of bereavement services at Hospice Services of Lake County, Calif.