The death of someone you love to suicide or murder is a shattering experience. As a result, lives are forever changed.

If you or someone you know has experienced the sudden violent death of someone they love and you want to help but aren’t sure how, here are some tips to turn cares and concerns into positive actions.

– Accept the intensity of the feelings of grief. Survivors don’t just get over it. With support and understanding they can come to reconcile themselves to its reality. Survivors may be struggling with explosive emotions such as guilt, fear and shame. Be patient, compassionate and understanding.

– Listen with all of your heart. Your presence and desire to listen without judgment are critical helping tools. Willingness to listen is the best way to offer help to someone who needs to talk. Sometimes the story needs to be repeated again and again. This is part of the healing process. You don’t need to have the answer; just listen and understand.

– Avoid explanations and clichés. Words, particularly clichés, can be extremely painful for a suicide survivor. Comments like,” You are holding up so well,” or “Time will heal all wounds,” are not helpful.

– Be compassionate. Give permission to express feelings without fear or criticism. Don’t instruct or give explanations about how they should respond. Never say,” I know just how you feel.” You don’t. Recognize tears as a natural and appropriate expression of the pain associated with loss.

– Respect faith and spirituality. If faith is a part of their lives, let them express it in ways that seem appropriate. If they are mad at God, encourage them to talk about it. Remember, having anger toward God speaks of having a relationship with God. Don’t be a judge, be a loving friend. Your task is to listen and learn.

Remember to be patient. The process of grief takes a long time, so proceed at your and your friend’s own pace. Grief is the result of having loved.

For more information about Hospice Services of Lake County, call 707-263-6222 or visit www.lakecountyhospice.org .

Linda Laing is bereavement director for Hospice Services of Lake County, Calif.